Week 12: Debunking the madness

God Bless America

vs

Stalin (A Super Crazy Russian!)
This is possibly the most anticipated matchup all season. A true battle between good and evil. We have mighty Eagle spreading his wings in one corner, his talons fully stretched out to snatch up his prey.

I can't get enough of Eagles pictures so here is another one just cause it's so awesomely beautiful.

And in the other corner, we have these guys.

And by the way CrazyRussians, I’m calling your bluff on your little “If I don’t win I’m stripping down in the snow” antics. Fine. go for it!

I do need to file a protest with the commissioner. CrazyRussians have stooped to a new low level in their dastardly plan to claim the league championship through brutal takeover. I received the following “gift” from them a couple hours ago. Yeah, right, I’m going to fall for this Trojan Horse tactic. I enjoyed the screams of your players as I torched this poor attempt at an eagle in my fire pit!

Due to what is clearly several blatant violations of the spirit of fair play in our league, I have called in some outside help to give me a boost this weekend. I have enlisted the help of the two single greatest heroes in American history.

Just in case there was any doubt here. This should clear it up.

Pick: Red, White and Blue over the ….umm....yeah, like I really know the colors of the CrazyRussians.


KOEagles vs The Whistle Blowers
This matchup is like a comedy black hole. There is literally nothing funny about this at all. At 1-10 I have simply lost interest in bashing the local high school team for their innocent name. I mean, this showing is about as bad as it gets. KO, if you are out there, please change your name to “KO’d Eagles”.

Well there was one funny thing about the KOEagles season so far. The week they took the undefeated Budapest Expats down.

For the sake of promoting my own rise in the rankings my pick this week is purely strategic (cause you know, my picks actually influence the outcome of the games).

Sorry Whistle Blowers...Thomas the Train is in the service shop for repair (i'm not sure i even understand that joke)
Pick: EagleBashers over Erin Brockovich

Hemoroids versus Budapest “any moment now they will crash and burn” Cowboys

I lived in Virginia for a couple years, including the year the Deadskins beat the Broncos 45-10 in the Super Bowl and having to be surrounded by happy Deadskins fans was obnoxious. I was in 4th grade the year they won the Super Bowl (or after..whatever) and the crossing guard on my way to school used to hand out deadskins trading cards to us kids. That traumatized me. But ripping them up in front of my friends who loved the deadskins was quite therapeutic.

But even with that, there is just something about the cowgirls. I cannot stand Jerry Jones. I hate the fact that the man has 3 SB rings, however, I think it will be funny if after building that beast of a stadium, he never gets another one. I almost hope the cowgirls make it to the playoffs just to watch them explode and for it to be Romo’s fault again.

So I face quite a dilemma here. I have the Budapest Cowboys. Named after the team I detest. Owned and managed by a fan of the team I detest. I mean...I’m sure Pastor Shane is a great guy in all other areas. Everyone has to have a defect I guess. I have a great friend back in the States. he was our homegroup leader for amost two years. Works for the church we go to in the States. Really great guy....but he’s a cowgirls fan. I mean...it’s almost like the serial killer complex..you know when the old lady next door is like, “oh, he was such a nice man. he always helped me carry in the groceries. he cut my grass. he got my cat out of the tree”...oh, and yeah...he has 10 bodies in his basement..but you know, hey..he’s a great guy. These cowgirls fans just lull you into a false sense of security...it's like they hypnotize you with their eyes..their eyes that are glazed over with the joy of seeing their team raise all those lambardi trophies. dangit anyhow buddy ryan....cunningham....mccnabb...freaking TO...reid you moron...WHY CAN'T MY EYES BE GLAZED OVER WITH THE JOY OF EAGLES SUPER BOWL GLORY??????

ON THE OTHER HAND....

I have Micah’s team. What’s the issue here? You guys should give me an award for this. I see Micah several times a week. I have had to listen to him tell me how he’s gonna master mind trades out of thin air and get every top player in the league. I had to listen to him the other day tell me how his team totally sux, while he was sitting at 7-3 and I’m there at 3-7. I mean, how does a guy at 7-3 say his team sux while talking to a guy sitting at 3-7? It’s like he was mocking my band of fig newtons.

Now I’m thinking about the next couple weeks and then the playoffs. A co-worker of mine won a league I was in once. And it’s all he talked about for months. So now, all I can envision is what life would be like for me here in Romania, taking my kids to school every day, and having “Mr. Micah” greeting me at the door with “The League Champion Greets You”. I’m just not sure I can take that.

Who to pick...who to pick. Sorry Micah, Stafford and CJ are gonna lay an egg against the Packers. And CJ2K...well, he’s gonna keep laying the big egg he’s been laying all season (minus that one game abberation)

P. Shane....I'm even gonna help you out and give you a secret weapon to use on the Golden Emerods this week.

Pick: Team that shall not be named goes Preparation H all over the Golden Child

Warsaw Dragons vs Sharks
It’s close enough to that magical time of the year when Tony Romo lays an ostrich egg....aka IT’S ALMOST DECEMBER! Miama finally got their act together and is playing with spirity. I’m looking for Romo to be the biggest Turkey on Thursday.

What? What subliminal message? I have no clue what you are talking about.

Pick: Sharks devour the Romo led Dragons.

Budapest Expats vs Luke’s Donkeys
Now I realize that Luke’s Donkeys have been playing like this all year long.

But their beat-down last week at my hands has turned them into a band of rabid donkeys, let by most fanatical donkey of them all.

Luke’s Donkeys would stand no chance under normal circumstances against the Expats. But these are Luke’s Rabid Donkeys. Sorry P. Barry, but not even your magical hat can save you from these guys this weekend. They are coming for you...maybe you should start running!

Your empire is starting to crumble!

Pick: Donkeys run wild over Budapest Expats


BackInBlack vs Tiki Warriors
I know it may seem lazy to reuse material, but I mean come on. Who does everyone else think is gonna win the matchup between these two.

this “guy”

or this warrior/monster/beast

Seriously folks...

Pick: Warriors inform everyone that there IS something wrong with a man wearing pink!

P.S...oh, and cliff....your feeble attempt to disguise yourself as a tiki warrior was so lame. anybody with a brain can tell this is you.

Clash of Titanus vs Livin’ on a Prayer
Jesse, so which one of these guys are you?

Oh wait...I see you now...I think...maybe try less facial hair and more head hair

(
Sorry, but your prayers are more like howls this week cause they are not getting the work done.


Pick: Titanus shoots Livin’ on a Prayer through the heart

Week 11 - Insights from ElSpoono

FlyEaglesFly
versus Luke’s Donkeys
There comes a time in all men’s lives when they must face up to the reality of their immortality. Now while I may not yet be a man, this fantasy football season has hardened my soul and blinded my heart to the more pleasant things in life as my fall from the high and mighty position of #1 most awesome powerful amazing beautiful and yes, dare I may say “dream team” status after week one has left me in a broken heap of nothingness. I am like a rabid dog lashing out at the hand that wants only to console it. I am like Barak Obama when he found out he was not born in the U.S. I’m like AlGore realizing he lost the presidency because he could not even carry his own state. I’m like Osama Bin Laden the moment he realized that those were not 72 young ladies waiting for him. I’m like Bill Belichick’s perfect season that was not perfect cause the Patriots sucked a big one and lost to the #6 seed from the NFC (actually, wait, that’s FUNNY).

So here I am. My team broken. Nothing to live for. The honorable thing would be to fall on my sword. I’m up against a bunch of donkeys this week with the same pitiful record as me. If I just threw my team off a cliff then at least we would not have to deal with the shame of what is likely to be another pathetic loss and this time to a team as equally pathetic as my own.

But wait...what is that? Yes Virginia there is a Christmas. Yes, the Berlin Wall did crumble. Yes, Dr. Pepper is available in Romania now. NO! We will not lie down and take our beating like a man. We will rise up and fight! We will conquer these donkeys and the ...the...well whatever they ride in on. Because my team is named after the mighty Philadelphia Eagles! And the Philadelphia Eagles are ….wait....crap....they suck too!

Pick: Eagles all the way baby! Die Donkeys Die!


Whistle Blowers versus
The Other Team AKA
Cream Cheese and Bagles AKA
Ochonoshowsucks AKA
too many other name changes to remember
Mr. freaking #%&$*&#@^$%$#@ Dream Team himself is starting for The Other team this week. Vince Young you moron. You singlehandedly jinxed the Eagles entire season. I wish I could just slap you silly. I had mad respect for you and how you stepped up to take care of Warren Moon’s kids and be a father to them. Why did you have to get as giddy as Micah when he sees a piece of bacon and spout your idiotic nonsense about the Dream Team. Thanks buddy. Time to redeem yourself by putting a beatdown on the Giants this Sunday night. If you suck it up this Sunday, you are dead to me!

Pick: The Other Team over the Whistle Blowers


The Golden Hemorrhoids versus The Tiki Warriors
1st Samuel Chapter 5
Verse 1 And the Philistines took the ark of God, and brought it from Ebenezer unto Ashdod.
Verse 6 But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof.
Verse 9 And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.
Tiki Warriors....Philistines....same thing. Whatch out for your secret parts at least!

Pick: Warriors fall victim to attack of Hemorrhoids


Clash of the Titanus versus KOEagles
If KOEagles fell in the forest would anybody know? At 1-9 you make ME look good! That alone is worth an award. I think this week Tom Brady alone could almost beat you.

Pick: Titanus over EagleHaters!


Budapest ExPats versus Stalin's Warriors
Ok....this matchup really worries me. We saw how the CrazyRussians reacted over their opponent getting 6 points for a score instead of 1. I have it on good authority that this week, the CrazyRussians are actually playing for their lives. Check it out.

CrazyRussian enforcer practicing his chainsaw moves for any players that humiliate Mother Russia.


You no score hatrick? I smash your nuts with fiery hammer of death!

Here we have the owner of the CrazyRussians making a very serious face to intimidate the Budapest Expats

And why not root for the CrazyRussians? I mean...they do know how to celebrate like nobody else!

Unfortunately, I have it on good authority that a little bit too much of this is consumed before each game.

So I’m just not sure the CrazyRussians are going to be prepared for a dose of Carson Palmer and the rest of the Budapest Express Train to the Playoffs.

Pick. Expats over KGB


BackInBlack versus Warsaw Dragons
I have photographic evidence that Cliff’s plan this week is to just blind the Dragons with his amazing fashion sense.

Pick: What that is in the pink furry hat...over the Dragons


Budapest Cowboys versus Sharks
Pick....well...see if you can figure it out from the pictures below.


That's my quarterback man. That's my quarterback! <sniff><sniff>..You hear me? That's my quarterback.

Week 10 Video Analysis

Week 9 EXPERT Analysis (emphasis on the "EXPERT")

FLY EAGLES FLY! versus BackInBlack

AC/DC are Australian, cool, cutting edge, super rich, famous and old. Cliff is old. So yeah, they have lots in common and I'm sure they would be honored to know Cliff named his team after one of their songs.

After I'm done shredding the life out of your team this weekend Cliff, I think a more appropriate team name would be after one of the following albums

Pick: Eagles soar high and glorious over backinblack

CrazyRussians versus TikiWarriors

Here are some Crazy Russians playing football.

Here are some Crazy Russians celebrating a score

This is what the Crazy Russians did when they found out that they were playing the wrong kind of football and their score was worth 1 lousy point instead of 6.

Here is the Tiki Warriors fearless leader, the original Tiki.

This is a no brainer. The Crazy Russians don't even know what game they are playing. Tiki all the way!

Top scorer insight in this game: As much as I hate Eli Manning, the Patriots defense is just stinking it up this year. They are ranked dead last...right behind the 0-8 Colts!

Pick: The Tiki Barbers over the KGB Agents

The Golden Child versus Sharks

Who's turn is it to fall victim to one of Micah's cons this week? Sharks, you're it. No "Golden Child and a Shark in a dark room" riddle this week. With your current lineup Sharks, you're not even gonna make it to the dark room to begin with. Is that THE Ricky Williams starting for you this weekend? The "I'd rather smoke pot than earn millions playing football, but hey, if i play football and earn millions then i can buy even more pot, Rickey Williams?" I thought that dude retired!

In the end, who can resist Micah? I mean...look at him here....how can you beat up on that? He just so cute and innocent and he sux you in.

Pick: Golden Child turns the Sharks into shark bait

Chedder and Crackers versus KOEagles

Nice play on words with the name there Jesse..but please leave the witty comments to the professionals before you hurt yourself and end up looking like this.

KOEagles....KOEagels...<sigh> My strawman enemy, you have not heeded my words of wisdom. I keep saying it does not pay to hate on the Eagles. Simply changing your name to OKEagles would probably gain you 1-2 wins down the home stretch!

Pick: Who Cut the Cheese over The Eagle Haters.

Budapest ExPats versus Warsaw "tony romo sux" Dragons

Tony Romo: knock knock

Jessica Simpson: who's there?

Tony Romo: a sucky QB that is propped up by the media even though I lay a turd in every pressure situation and oh wow so 2 years ago I finally won a playoff game so everyone jumpned on the hype bandwagon and said I was finally "there" but no I wasn't..I just got lucky and now since then I have continued to show that I just totally suck.

Jessica Simpson: oh, hi Tony Romo

Pick: Budapest ExPress continues drive to the playoffs with a win over Polish imaginry animals.

Whistle Blowers versus Clash of the Titanus

A picture is worth a thousand words (and pictures this week are helping me get by with lots of fluff in my analysis by incorporating great media content)

Titanus has this dude leading the charge.

Whistle Blowers has this guy.

I mean come on. It this even a fair competition? 

Pick: The Whistle falls flat at the hands of Titanus wins

Budapest Cowboys versus Lukes Donkeys

Donkeys...you're killing me! It's Friday and you still got three slots filled with byes! I went 7-0 in my picks last week and if I go 6-1 this week cause you set your line up and work out some miracle after I make this pick, then I'm going to....well...not sure what I'm going to do, but it won't be pretty.

This is killing me here to have to keep picking a team named the cowboys to win (yes, i really do absolutely detest and despise the cowboys THAT much...for reals!) In the end though, a loss by the donkeys and a win by me puts me ahead of the donkeys in the standings...so while i'll be rooting big time for Vick, Go Cowboys! (i just threw up a little in my mouth after typing that).

Pick: Hungarian Mustang Tamers over the Physician's Equus africanus asinus

Week 8 Expert Analysis

Fly Eagles Fly! versus Warsaw Dragons

Every sad that this game is at 8:20PM Sunday night. That's 3:20AM for me. I stayed up like a fool for the Eagles/Falcons Sunday night game and paid for it for days. Can't do it again.

The fantasy match-up here is going to be epic as well. Two teams on the cusp of the playoffs. The loser of this game is almost certainly out of playoff contention. Lucky for me I'm going up against Tony the "insert unoriginal word that ryhmes with 'romo' here"

Ochocincodemayo is going to have a breakout game this Sunday and Warsaw Dragons are going down in flames

Pick: Fly Eagels Fly! over Warsaw Dragons

CrazyRussians versus Luke's Donkeys

continuing the Russian in a dark room theme from last week....What happens if you put a Crazy Russian and a Donkey in a dark room together? Wait...never mind. Don't answer that.Since basically all the best donkeys are on bye this weekend, this one is going to the KGB

Pick: Stalin over Luke's slacking Donkeys

"The" Golden Nimrods versus Hating the Eagles doesn't pay off (aka KOEagles)

Side note: Inventing my own straw man enemy in the KOEagles is just a better reality to live in than some story about a kid and his highschool team"

At this point I need to start looking for the bad teams to stay down so they don't have a shot at overtaking me. So that unfortunately means I'll be rooting for Micah's team. Just to clarify...that's rooting for Micah's TEAM...not Micah.

Pick: Rods over KOEagles

Sharks versus Graham's Crackers

1. As a white man, I take great offense at any team named "Crackers"

2. If you change your name to "Peanut Butter Crackers", though, I won't be offended. Cause that's diverse and who can be offended by Crackers and Peanut Butter? That's just pure awesome!

3. I will be rooting against the Crackers (maybe the All Whites would be a better name?..little Rugby twist there) cause I need some teams to go below me in the standings so it helps me more for the sharks to win. However, Rogers and Forte are both out...sooooo

Pick: Crackers spread some sort of whooping on the Sharks (but I hope I'm wrong)

Budapest ExPats versus Whistle Blowers

Choochooo....what's that? A whistle blower? No, that's the Budapest Express running over the whistle blowers. Put a fork in it. SanFran is gonna shut down the Browns Offense. Blowers only bright spot may be Frank Gore running wild on the Browns D...but that won't cut it

Pick: Preacher's team over the Whistles

BackInBlack versus Tiki Warriors

Cliff gave away Brees...and the Tiki Warriors have this dude.

Pick: Tikis change BackInBlack to BlackNBlue

Clash of the Titanus versus Budapest <cough><cough>Cow<cough><cough><mumble><mumble><can't help myself>GIRLS

My brain tells me to root for the Budapest ........ in order to keep Clash down in the standings. My heart won't let me root for a team named after the self-proclaimed "America's Team" (research it....great marketing..totally bogus statement...America hates that team!!!!)

Pick: Tom Brady owns the Steelers as always so Clash over Cowboys